Friday June 10, 2005

Well, peace has indeed come and things are well within our group. We had a major lecture from Ema about not being ‘super heroes’ of the faith, that we’re a tam. It was funny that Brad, David, and I had already had a conversation about all of this beforehand, but hey what can you do? The entire time she lectured us, I was afraid my cover had blown, and that she was being unwise, but in the end nobody even thought to point the finger back at me. This probably won’t make sense later, but that’s ok. So I continued to share with GuLei tonight, but it was very frustrating. The language barrier for one, and I honestly don’t think he wants to become a Christian right now. If there is something irritating me right now it’s that I have almost no desire to pray. I do want that burden to pray but it doesn’t come, it is just emptiness. Now that’s fine during certain seasons of life, but not here… I long to be burdened for these people in prayer. Like Michael, I do want him to be my brother in the Lord, but still I am deeply concerned about my prayer life. It is dry and it is wearing on me. It’s times like these when I wonder if God ever heard my prayers to break my prideful, hypocritical spirit that continues to rise up, thwarting the ways of God. It’s an instrument of wickedness, not righteousness. Oh, that the fear of the Lord would return. Oh Father, do have your way in me, until You have perfected me and I am with You. My heart does not anger only laments and tries to remember the seasons when you were so precious to me, hoping the same zealous fervor would return.